Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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