We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
