Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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