1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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