My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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