I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
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screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
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I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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