Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
