Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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