I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize