i barfeds in our rink
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My feet surprised me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
