If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
