The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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