We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
