I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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