Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
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I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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