i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
