We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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