everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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