i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
