I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I enjoy the company of your penis
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
