Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
