Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
