I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
