He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
