she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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