in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
