Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
