Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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