I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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