Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
