I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
