FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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