if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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