I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
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Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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