I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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