You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
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No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
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did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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