Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
