This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
