Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
