Im at strip club and am horny
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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