Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
