what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
