if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
