Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
