How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
