peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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