Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
