i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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