I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
