Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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