Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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