I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
