Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
