New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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