I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
