i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
