I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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